I felt your shape ∆∆

I'm content, At the moment.
You know when everything is perfect as if nothing could break that happiness?
That's how I feel now.
Though I suppose it's only natural,
Things have to get to the worst till they can get to the best.
I don't expect anything more or anything less.
- 19/11/09

So i’ll hide those sharpened razorblades.
Replace them with cigarette after cigarette.
They don’t satisfy, but they will do, they will do for now.
But don’t talk to me about love, that word isn’t part of my vocabulary.
Lust is all I know, Lust doesn’t break down those barriers we put up.
Love does that, pulls them down, shattering our insides.
I do not know love, I refuse to meet it’s acquaintance.
- 19/11/09

And I was a closed wilting flower till you opened me up.
Far from being saved, crashing into the depth of the ocean.
You were here, Now you are gone.
I’m going, I’m leaving, I’m good but gone.
- 18/11/09

Every boy who wishes for me somehow wants to save me & fix me up like a broken doll,
but once they learn I can't be fixed,
They give up, grow tired and move on to the next best thing.
- 17/11/09

when you smile those sad eyes look sadder & sadder still |||

It was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infiltrated everything, everything was the problem made her cry - school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general - but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place.
- The Dead Girl, Melanie Thernstrom

But this was just madness. I mean, I wasn’t an alcoholic, an anorexic, a bulimic, or a drug addict. We couldn’t blame this all on booze, or food or vomit or thinness or needles and the damage done.
- Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel



8:02pm, 2/11/09
You know that feeling where you can do nothing but cry & cry & cry?
You’re stomach is turning and your throat is sore from the pain and effort of it all. Everything is an effort, You don’t even have the strength to go for a shower.
The bed is your only solace, and you want to die because the pain is so unbearable, but even suicide is too much effort, too much to plan.
You just lie there hoping to sleep through the days, so you can’t focus on these thoughts that run through your head of yours.
This is how I feel now, it never stops.

1:35pm, 5/11/09
I didn’t blame them, I couldn’t.
Even I don’t want to deal with myself when I’m in that state.
What can you do with a girl who is smiles & laughter one minute then in fits of sadness the next?
They couldn’t give a reason and really neither could I,
It’s some sort of madness no one can put a place on.

9:53pm, 7/11/09
It's becoming exhausting, you become tired and worn out when your emotions flood through you every minute of every hour of every day.
I'm becoming worse as time passes.
I can't stand people being agitated at me, even though it is warranted.
I cry over everything.
I'm constantly dreaming of the past.
I miss the people who once cared about me, who now don't.
I'm trying so hard to be better, to be perfect which I know is an impossible feat but that wanting never leaves me.

all the wax was melting in the trees. ∇∇∇

Suddenly i felt panicked and anxious, thoughts kept running through my head but i couldn’t catch them or even figure out exactly what it was that i was feeling.

I know i don’t want him but why was i feeling like i couldn’t bear to be here without him? Maybe it was rather the wanting of something he could represent, but maybe i wanted him because i knew deep down that he couldn’t give me that. Maybe i didn’t want to be loved, because i’m petrified i’ll just end up broken hearted.

- 11:15pm, 20/10/09

last night i had that feeling, do you remember it?

the feeling as if the whole world is going to collapse because that is how your insides feel right now. as if everyone who ever cared about you never will again and the people who care about you now never actually have.
you couldn’t care less if you whether you died at the very second, because you feel like your dying already…

- 4:23pm, 21/10/09



songs on high repetition:
- Happy Birthday to Me (Feb. 15) - Bright Eyes
- Girl - Tori Amos
- The Fool On The Hill - The Beatles
- Everybody Here Wants You - Jeff Buckley
- Whats A Girl To Do? - Bat For Lashes

i've been treated so wrong ::::::

take a look at my body
look at my hands
there's so much here that i don't understand
your face-saving promises
whispered like prayers
i don't need them

because i've been treated so wrong
i've been treated so long
as if i'm becoming untouchable

~ my skin, natalie merchant

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i can't write anymore, it's not like i don't want to. i just haven't had the energy for the past few weeks, sometimes i feel weak, sometimes i feel like strong, but which one am i? my moods are so bipolar i cannot handle it, and the trouble is my moods come so unexpectedly. As jenny lewis wrote "the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap.

i still find it hard to give up old habits and now i find myself adopting new ones. but i can't deal with life the way everyone does, the healthy options just don't suffice. When people keep letting you down, kicking you further below, it's hard not to turn to your chemical friends, they will always be there when you need them.



songs on high repetition:
- on the bound by fiona apple
- post blue by placebo
- tusk by fleetwood mac
- dead souls by joy division

i do not know what to do with these feelings ||

All i want is to be loved. to be asked "are you okay?". Anything besides total indifference. ...Anything besides you, Anything besides this.
- 26/09/09

It makes sense to me now why i keep falling for men who don't and never will never treat me nicely, never care for me the way i want them to. It's because i don't feel i deserve to be loved, i want to be punished, i need to be punished. And when someone finally wants to save me, care for me, maybe even love me, i just feel like pushing them away.
- 5/10/09, 11:38AM

my psychologist pointed out the fact i have a pattern with developing crushes on men who treat me in ways that aren't good for me, she thinks there is a link with my self hatred & my attachments to these type of men. Iv'e also noticed all of these boys won't ever reciprocate the same feelings that i have for them, maybe it's self sabotage...i don't know. All i know is my choice in men is messed up.



songs on high repetition:
- never is a promise by fiona apple
- here comes the anxiety by the wombats
- living dead girl by rob zombie
- something to do with my hands by her space holiday

october muse ; kurt cobain.

Waiting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.

If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.

It's better to burn out than fade away.

Punk is musical freedom. It's saying, doing and playing what you want. In Webster's terms, 'nirvana' means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that's pretty close to my definition of Punk Rock.


Rather be dead than cool.

all those situations you somehow found yourself in:::::

As far as i’m concerned there is no such thing as love. It’s a fairytale you were fed as a child so that there was something hopeful to cling to when you grew up.

Iv'e been good that last few days, happy, whatever you may want to call it. I had a picnic with Rhi and Steph in the city on Monday, I was hungover and tired. But i haven't felt so alive like i did then in a long time, We ate Hommus and Pita Bread & We didn't do much but we didn't have to, It was simple Happiness, the kind of happiness you felt as a child.

At the same time, I have also created a mess of myself, yet again. I AM SO CONFUSED.



songs on high repetition:
- Something to do with my hands by Her Space Holiday
- The Twist by Metric
- Daniel by Bat For Lashes
- A Mistake by Fiona Apple